Tuesday, June 24, 2003
This was one of those "spam" emails from a friend...I especially liked it and thought to immortalize it on my blog. Numbers 1-30 are the original...from 31 on - are my creations...
SAYINGS OF ZEN
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.
Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.
Do not walk beside me either.
Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
6. No one is listening until you fart.
7. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
9. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
10. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
11. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
13. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
14. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
15. Some days you are the bug; some days you are a windshield.
16. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
17. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
19. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
20. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
21. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
22. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
23. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
24. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
25. We are born naked, wet, and hungry, and get slapped on our ass...then things get worse.
26. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
27. There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
28. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
29. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday...around age 11.
30. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
END SPAM - BEGIN CREATION
31. We walk around with shoes to keep our feet clean, but so many of us who do wear shoes have smellier feet when wearing shoes than when barefoot.
32. If you've nothing to say - then somebody else will. If you've something to say, then somebody else will beat you to it.
33. No matter how hard you try - you're bound to roll over the "wet" spot.
34. How can all men be created equal, if not all birthday suits were created equal.
35. The best pickup line is NO pickup line.
36. We live in a can society - get all you can, do all you can, put it in the can and sit on the can.
37. why is it Budweiser - if it only makes you bud-dummer.
38. Timing is everything - except when you're out of it.
39. When you don't want anyone to see you - someone will.
40. A true friend is one who will tell you "F_ _ _ ! off" and "I Love You" and mean it all the time.
SAYINGS OF ZEN
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.
Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.
Do not walk beside me either.
Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
6. No one is listening until you fart.
7. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
9. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
10. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
11. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
13. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
14. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
15. Some days you are the bug; some days you are a windshield.
16. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
17. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
19. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
20. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
21. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
22. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
23. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
24. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
25. We are born naked, wet, and hungry, and get slapped on our ass...then things get worse.
26. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
27. There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
28. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
29. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday...around age 11.
30. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
END SPAM - BEGIN CREATION
31. We walk around with shoes to keep our feet clean, but so many of us who do wear shoes have smellier feet when wearing shoes than when barefoot.
32. If you've nothing to say - then somebody else will. If you've something to say, then somebody else will beat you to it.
33. No matter how hard you try - you're bound to roll over the "wet" spot.
34. How can all men be created equal, if not all birthday suits were created equal.
35. The best pickup line is NO pickup line.
36. We live in a can society - get all you can, do all you can, put it in the can and sit on the can.
37. why is it Budweiser - if it only makes you bud-dummer.
38. Timing is everything - except when you're out of it.
39. When you don't want anyone to see you - someone will.
40. A true friend is one who will tell you "F_ _ _ ! off" and "I Love You" and mean it all the time.
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